The last time I went to the store, they were out of the
ammo I needed again, and I thought that politics does a better job selling a
product than advertisements ever could. So I went home, empty gun in hand. Then
I giggled at the most recent “zombie defense shotgun” magazine ad in one of
those print magazines they keep sending my dad. But then I started digging
through the really old magazines from the attic and fell off the ladder
laughing – which caused dear old Dad to run out wondering if the zombies had
finally made their way into the neighborhood. I assured him that we have
another week before they chew through the fence, and in that interim, may I
present you with the ads our forefathers had back in the days when insanity was
in style?
1 They Touted Safety In Terrifying Ways
It’s “absolutely safe”. The ad states explicitly that
these revolvers are not toys, and then goes ahead and gives the gun to the
child so she can play with it and her doll. But don’t worry, they also scrawled
“Papa says it won’t hurt us” literally on her shirt. But we can’t rule out the
theory that the doll may be possessed and brainwashed the father into saying
that so that this demon doll can continue its murderous rampage. Finally, the
ad itself totally clashes with the image – its words are clearly aimed adult
males, but it shows an image of a young girl. To be fair, the little girl also
seems confused. Maybe she’s not sure if she should do what the doll tells her
to or not.
Hitting the hammer with a hammer makes for nice word
play, but does shit for safety. Doing this repeatedly will cause the gun to
break later though, possibly when you need to actually fire it. For those of
you who aren’t familiar with how this works is that you pull the hammer back to
cock the gun, and when you squeeze the trigger, the hammer slams forward and
that causes the spark the ignites the gunpowder. Now do you see why hammering
on the hammer is terrifying?
This woman is absolutely safe and confident, as seen in
the picture. Her body language is that of the cool, determined heroine. Just look
at the words “shots at her command… she chooses” or the very best, emphasis is
their own “she knows it is safe”.
Yep, that is the expression of a woman who knows it’s safe and that she is in
command. Or maybe she’s looking that way because…
2 Sexism & Racism Were Awesome
No, they really weren’t.
Cattle rustling was always rough in New York City,
especially when it was in the Arizonan Desert. Either that, or some poor artist
working for the Auto-Ordnance Corporation in NYC had only a vague idea what
frontier life was. Was this when Theodore Roosevelt conquered Mars? Also, those
fur chaps are fabulous! As the ad declares, this is “the ideal weapon for
protection” because who doesn’t need a submachine gun for personal defense?
Well, maybe on the New York subway after 11pm.
Back in the day, they didn’t have none of this political
correctness bullpucky. (Note: we need to start using bullpucky more often in
casual conversation.)
“Makes bad Indians Good” but it’s still called Savage
because they aren’t civilized like the monocle wearing chaps. Even the portrait
they found seems our hero doing his very best “meh” look. Or maybe they got him
when he was on the can. The marketers they never even attempt to explain how
they Savage rifles have anything to do with making this poor native gentleman
good, whatever the hell that means. Is he shooting someone or the poor bastard
about to be shot, and why is there no rifle in the ad at all? Here’s the history kicker: “The only good Indian is a dead
Indian”. Now look back at their tagline.
Proper procedure for opening the door to a stranger
knocking in the middle of the night: grab a gun and swing that fucker open. It
might be a telegram, as stated. At least she left the little chain fastened.
Why did she even need to open the door if she didn’t know who it was? Couldn’t
she just have asked before turning the knob? But no, she’s got a gun.
Or is your wife soon to be minus one finger? How about helpless
AND dangerous – that sounds more exciting. In the days before console gaming,
idleness led to real crime instead of pixelated not-real crime. Well, either
way, it looks like your wife is about to be fingerbanged.
3 Violence Was Shoved Down Your Throat
Not implied at all. Violence was forcefully demonstrated,
uh, violently.
Showing sells better than telling, so here’s a dead guy!
I’m surprised about the lack of exploding organs, but
then again some womenfolk might see these ads. Also, which one is the murderer?
There really is no way to tell. Is the dude with the knife interrupting a
murder or is the guy kneeling over the corpse trying to avenge his friend’s
death? Of course, it could totally be both if this is a production of “Iver
Johnson Revolvers” by William Shakespeare.
Check out this one for more confusion. Since the apparent
aggressor is down on his knees that begs the question, at what point does
self-defense become murder? Or do you just shoot the homeless on weekends?
4 All Animals Are Out to Kill You
And they’re all on steroids. And they’re all bears.
Holy crap, that bear stole all of Lance Armstrong’s steroid
stash! And he’s killing the dogs, bad bear!
What is that falling upside down animal? Is that a dog
that had a sex with a deer? Or a cougar? A rabbit gone cannibal (and on
steroids)? But the good news here is that “It’s Weatherproofed” but that could
either be the rifle, the bullet or the box. At least these bullets are
silvertip (as it says on the box) because silver is very useful when hunting
were-creatures. That dog-rabbit-deer thing is probably one of them too.
I’m starting to think that you will ever only encounter a
bear when you’re on a narrow ledge. They solely inhabit those according these
ads.
Like this one for an autoloading rifle. Or you could just
avoid the narrow rock ledge, and you’ll be fine!
This is the best advertisement for those people who want
to be eaten by a bear (on a narrow ledge). It’s the worst advertisement for
that rifle that it’s actually selling. In capturing this man in the final
moments of his life, the marketers have signaled that the the Jarrett is
absolutely useless in the hands of a non-professional bear hunter, which
incidentally, is the majority of their market. “Don’t be wishing your whole
life, throw our gun and your life away! Order today!”
5 Boobs Sell
Because what else could sell that ridiculous piece of
crap gun? Unless you’re a spy, and James Bond would never use this thing –
well, maybe only to light his cigar, you don’t need this. But no one is going
to pay attention to how ridiculous the gun is, not with the boobies.
6 Christmas Used to be 10x More Awesome
I’m not sure if you noticed, but he no longer has any
reindeer. I get this feeling that this Father Christmas runs on a different
naughty-nice set of criteria than your parents led you to believe.
The dear old St. Nick from above brings these kids a new
Daisy rifle every year, kind of like a vintage days’ iPhone. Like said,
Christmas used to be amazing.
But wait, Santa doesn’t cater to adults, which brings us
to…
7 Start ‘Em Young
I can’t really say anything about this without being
hypocritical since I started off at a young age with my weaponry. But at least
I didn’t look like I was in a horror movie…
How is that not a Silent Hill prequel? Look at the
shadows/eyeliner around the gun holder’s eyes. The photographer was never seen
again.
Where’s Barbie’s M-16? I need it to go with the Vietnam Explorer
Outfit. Let’s say you buy this vintage toys at a second-hand shop. How far down
the street will you get until you’re shot by a SWAT team? Also, if you do this,
get someone to follow you getting the whole thing on video, you might be dead,
but you’ll be an internet star.
There is no way this could ever go wrong. If you point
out any logical flaw in this picture, you are a communist. “Papa says it won’t
hurt me” well honey, Papa is lying to you. He probably wanted a son instead.
And lastly, remember, “Safety First, Kids!”
Is that the mother standing contently, nay, proudly in
the background? It’s the 50s, that boy needs a holster to play Cowboys &
Indians. Unfortunately for him, this isn’t one of those racist, “Makes Bad
Indians Good” guns, so that boy is nothing but a target of juicy white meat.
(Note: we are not insinuating cannibalism on part of the native population; not
that that kid would be worth eating anyway.) Or maybe he just blew his
undescended testicles off and punctured his femoral artery.
8 Downright Fucking Creepy
Haha, the pun on report – it’s the only thing that makes
sense here. Does the gun shoot out little planets, or is it holding up planets?
Nobody told the marketing team that pythons are not
venomous. Plus, he’s going to bite that gun and you’re going to have to wrestle
it from its jaws before you can fire it.
There is no such thing as overkill! This is for home
defense, it’s the Castle Doctrine!
And now we’re back to creepy! That doll will come alive
at midnight and shoot people, for $5.50 per victim.
On the plus side, they were cheap!
But just know that you will have a great time. Oh wait, this
is a beer ad, but there’s nothing wrong with combining guns and beer, right?
Unfortunately, her date was the Silent Hill prequel dude
from above and she wound up like this.
Cindy J. Smith-All my her life, Cindy has written poetry. She is an older person, not quite as old as dirt and not good at playing the part of "starving artist". So, she has had many different jobs in her life, a Jane of all Trades. Currently she drives a truck Over-the-road with her husband. She has a beautiful daughter who is now an angel and a wonderful granddaughter. She recently reissued her poetry books: Voices In My Head and They Won't Shut Up. She also has poems in several anthologies and books by fellow authors.
