Deborah Dalton: Vintage Gun Ads Are Horrifyingly Hilarious

The last time I went to the store, they were out of the ammo I needed again, and I thought that politics does a better job selling a product than advertisements ever could. So I went home, empty gun in hand. Then I giggled at the most recent “zombie defense shotgun” magazine ad in one of those print magazines they keep sending my dad. But then I started digging through the really old magazines from the attic and fell off the ladder laughing – which caused dear old Dad to run out wondering if the zombies had finally made their way into the neighborhood. I assured him that we have another week before they chew through the fence, and in that interim, may I present you with the ads our forefathers had back in the days when insanity was in style?

1 They Touted Safety In Terrifying Ways

It’s “absolutely safe”. The ad states explicitly that these revolvers are not toys, and then goes ahead and gives the gun to the child so she can play with it and her doll. But don’t worry, they also scrawled “Papa says it won’t hurt us” literally on her shirt. But we can’t rule out the theory that the doll may be possessed and brainwashed the father into saying that so that this demon doll can continue its murderous rampage. Finally, the ad itself totally clashes with the image – its words are clearly aimed adult males, but it shows an image of a young girl. To be fair, the little girl also seems confused. Maybe she’s not sure if she should do what the doll tells her to or not.

Hitting the hammer with a hammer makes for nice word play, but does shit for safety. Doing this repeatedly will cause the gun to break later though, possibly when you need to actually fire it. For those of you who aren’t familiar with how this works is that you pull the hammer back to cock the gun, and when you squeeze the trigger, the hammer slams forward and that causes the spark the ignites the gunpowder. Now do you see why hammering on the hammer is terrifying?

This woman is absolutely safe and confident, as seen in the picture. Her body language is that of the cool, determined heroine. Just look at the words “shots at her command… she chooses” or the very best, emphasis is their own “she knows it is safe”. Yep, that is the expression of a woman who knows it’s safe and that she is in command. Or maybe she’s looking that way because…

2 Sexism & Racism Were Awesome

No, they really weren’t.

Cattle rustling was always rough in New York City, especially when it was in the Arizonan Desert. Either that, or some poor artist working for the Auto-Ordnance Corporation in NYC had only a vague idea what frontier life was. Was this when Theodore Roosevelt conquered Mars? Also, those fur chaps are fabulous! As the ad declares, this is “the ideal weapon for protection” because who doesn’t need a submachine gun for personal defense? Well, maybe on the New York subway after 11pm.

Back in the day, they didn’t have none of this political correctness bullpucky. (Note: we need to start using bullpucky more often in casual conversation.)

“Makes bad Indians Good” but it’s still called Savage because they aren’t civilized like the monocle wearing chaps. Even the portrait they found seems our hero doing his very best “meh” look. Or maybe they got him when he was on the can. The marketers they never even attempt to explain how they Savage rifles have anything to do with making this poor native gentleman good, whatever the hell that means. Is he shooting someone or the poor bastard about to be shot, and why is there no rifle in the ad at all? Here’s the history kicker: “The only good Indian is a dead Indian”. Now look back at their tagline.

Proper procedure for opening the door to a stranger knocking in the middle of the night: grab a gun and swing that fucker open. It might be a telegram, as stated. At least she left the little chain fastened. Why did she even need to open the door if she didn’t know who it was? Couldn’t she just have asked before turning the knob? But no, she’s got a gun.

Or is your wife soon to be minus one finger? How about helpless AND dangerous – that sounds more exciting. In the days before console gaming, idleness led to real crime instead of pixelated not-real crime. Well, either way, it looks like your wife is about to be fingerbanged.

3 Violence Was Shoved Down Your Throat

Not implied at all. Violence was forcefully demonstrated, uh, violently.

Showing sells better than telling, so here’s a dead guy!

I’m surprised about the lack of exploding organs, but then again some womenfolk might see these ads. Also, which one is the murderer? There really is no way to tell. Is the dude with the knife interrupting a murder or is the guy kneeling over the corpse trying to avenge his friend’s death? Of course, it could totally be both if this is a production of “Iver Johnson Revolvers” by William Shakespeare.

Check out this one for more confusion. Since the apparent aggressor is down on his knees that begs the question, at what point does self-defense become murder? Or do you just shoot the homeless on weekends?

4 All Animals Are Out to Kill You

And they’re all on steroids. And they’re all bears.

Holy crap, that bear stole all of Lance Armstrong’s steroid stash! And he’s killing the dogs, bad bear!

What is that falling upside down animal? Is that a dog that had a sex with a deer? Or a cougar? A rabbit gone cannibal (and on steroids)? But the good news here is that “It’s Weatherproofed” but that could either be the rifle, the bullet or the box. At least these bullets are silvertip (as it says on the box) because silver is very useful when hunting were-creatures. That dog-rabbit-deer thing is probably one of them too.

I’m starting to think that you will ever only encounter a bear when you’re on a narrow ledge. They solely inhabit those according these ads.

Like this one for an autoloading rifle. Or you could just avoid the narrow rock ledge, and you’ll be fine!

This is the best advertisement for those people who want to be eaten by a bear (on a narrow ledge). It’s the worst advertisement for that rifle that it’s actually selling. In capturing this man in the final moments of his life, the marketers have signaled that the the Jarrett is absolutely useless in the hands of a non-professional bear hunter, which incidentally, is the majority of their market. “Don’t be wishing your whole life, throw our gun and your life away! Order today!”

5 Boobs Sell

No intro needed.

Because what else could sell that ridiculous piece of crap gun? Unless you’re a spy, and James Bond would never use this thing – well, maybe only to light his cigar, you don’t need this. But no one is going to pay attention to how ridiculous the gun is, not with the boobies.

6 Christmas Used to be 10x More Awesome

I’m not sure if you noticed, but he no longer has any reindeer. I get this feeling that this Father Christmas runs on a different naughty-nice set of criteria than your parents led you to believe.

The dear old St. Nick from above brings these kids a new Daisy rifle every year, kind of like a vintage days’ iPhone. Like said, Christmas used to be amazing.

But wait, Santa doesn’t cater to adults, which brings us to…

7 Start ‘Em Young

I can’t really say anything about this without being hypocritical since I started off at a young age with my weaponry. But at least I didn’t look like I was in a horror movie…

How is that not a Silent Hill prequel? Look at the shadows/eyeliner around the gun holder’s eyes. The photographer was never seen again.

Where’s Barbie’s M-16? I need it to go with the Vietnam Explorer Outfit. Let’s say you buy this vintage toys at a second-hand shop. How far down the street will you get until you’re shot by a SWAT team? Also, if you do this, get someone to follow you getting the whole thing on video, you might be dead, but you’ll be an internet star.

There is no way this could ever go wrong. If you point out any logical flaw in this picture, you are a communist. “Papa says it won’t hurt me” well honey, Papa is lying to you. He probably wanted a son instead.

And lastly, remember, “Safety First, Kids!”

Is that the mother standing contently, nay, proudly in the background? It’s the 50s, that boy needs a holster to play Cowboys & Indians. Unfortunately for him, this isn’t one of those racist, “Makes Bad Indians Good” guns, so that boy is nothing but a target of juicy white meat. (Note: we are not insinuating cannibalism on part of the native population; not that that kid would be worth eating anyway.) Or maybe he just blew his undescended testicles off and punctured his femoral artery.

8 Downright Fucking Creepy

Haha, the pun on report – it’s the only thing that makes sense here. Does the gun shoot out little planets, or is it holding up planets?

Nobody told the marketing team that pythons are not venomous. Plus, he’s going to bite that gun and you’re going to have to wrestle it from its jaws before you can fire it.